You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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