My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
