I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
