She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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