There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I am one with the molecules
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
