I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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