me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
