i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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