I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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