Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
What a dumb baby whore.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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