I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
