I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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