The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
