Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
