I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Randomize
