she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Randomize
