Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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