mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
