My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
