his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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