You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
