I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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