I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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