Swine flu. Run for my life!
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
