I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You made out with two different species that night
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
