seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
