She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
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