Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
