This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
