Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
