I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Randomize
