It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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