Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
