We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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