Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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