the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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