Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
