I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
The police scanner is talking about you again....
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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