I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
