LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
You ate ashes out of my bong
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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