Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
