did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Who put my cat in the fridge?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
