my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
