Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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