She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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