For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Randomize
