About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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