I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
