I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
