WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
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