listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
