Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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