You're so nebulous sometimes
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
