if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
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